Feb. 17th, 2014

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But…but I can’t stop giggling…

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Nail Pattern Boldness Mrs. white is the Indie of choice on the blog today. #gnarlygnails #indiepolish #naillove #nailart #nailswag #nailstagram #nailsofinstagram

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A Softer World: 1023

(Is there a rule 34 for pretty naked ladies?)

buy this print

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Princess Mix - [listen]

“I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics. Even if they dress in rags, even if they aren’t pretty, or smart, or young. They’re still princesses.” ― A Little Princess

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um, so. longer letter later and all that, but tl;dr maybe i’m less allistic than i thought?

#maybe not tho#i have a lot of reservations about self-diagnosis#and i already have so many fucking labels#what if i just subconsciously want to be the specialist snowflake to ever special#or what if i’m just really suggestible#idk you guys#i don’t want to be ‘that girl’#also i really don’t think i have real difficulties with reading people???#i know aspies/auties still empathize and all#but my empathy seems fairly neurotypical???#i am having some really dumb angst about something that’s probably just a result of being so fucking suggestible#there’s got to be a way to become less suggestible right?

Okay, so maybe a few months after I met the awesome persephonesidekick, she sat me down and was like, yo, you are totes on the spectrum, just fyi, and I was like,


uh, what are you talking about huh and she was like, no, really and I was like I really don’t think so but okay, I’ll keep it in mind.

And I basically forgot about it because seriously, what? lol, no. But I couldn’t quite forget it completely. Another person on the spectrum suggested the same thing, completely independently,

and persephonesidekick was quietly completely convinced, and I kept noticing some of the weirder things about me and I just couldn’t put the whole thing out of my head and it was driving me nuts.

So I sat down and used my pitiful google-fu to do some research, determined to prove persephonesidekick wrong and put the strange what ifs to rest, and I started reading about autism and aspergers and female presentations of aspergers.

And I found myself even more confused,

because I did recognize myself in a lot of these things, but come on, this was ridiculous. Of course I was allistic. Maybe not completely neurotypical, what with the bipolar and attentional issues and all that, but certainly allistic. If I wasn’t, someone would have noticed by now. I’ve been seeing psychiatrists since I was ten, okay?

But I also read about how, much like girls with ADD, girls with aspergers often went undiagnosed because they presented differently than the traditional (male) models.

So I read and read and worried at the thought like a loose tooth, unable to quite let it go. I took the aspie test. I compared myself to various charts of traits. Finally, I even said something to my dad, even though I was scared he’d dismiss it entirely and tell me I was being ridiculous, talking myself into a self-diagnosis, being self-obsessed.

He didn’t, though - he just sat and listened, and admitted that actually, possible autism or aspergers had been suggested about my brother in the past (which. that. would explain a lot, actually.) and that he himself has a lot of traits that are common with folks on the spectrum, and so it was possible, he supposed. He mentioned how difficult a time my parents had when they first had me and how a particular parenting book had really saved them - helping them understand that I wasn’t being fussy about clothes for no reason, that I had texture sensitivities, that I needed lots of time and warning in order to cope with change, that I was easily overwhelmed and needed to be given my time to calm down when it happened.

There are bits of my childhood that really seem to fit the profile of a child on the spectrum - the time my family went overboard on Christmas presents and I ended up hiding under the kitchen table crying “no more presents!” - the time our desks got rearranged for testing and I had a complete meltdown and the teacher had to put my desk back in its original position - how things always had to be done just so.

Even now there are oddities about me - the way I tend to fall into obsessions, either brief or long-lived -

- the way I will listen to songs again and again, watch movies again and again, just like a small child - the way I can’t stand some (okay, a lot) textures - the way I so easily get overwhelmed into a meltdown, like a overtired toddler - and so on and so forth.

I saw those similarities, but I still dismissed them - my empathy seemed pretty different from how various autistic folks described theirs, so I must still be fairly allistic, right? Then I read about how female aspergers often presented with hyper-empathy, and immediately flashed back to all the times my mom had told me I cared too much and that I needed to just let it go and it’s not affecting you or anyone close to you so you shouldn’t let yourself get so upset,  and I wondered—

Who knows, really? Does it even really matter? I’m used to dealing with my oddities, and so are most of my family and friends, although apparently I’m a lot less tactful than I thought, considering how my parents apparently cracked up when my brother mentioned how I’d complained about his tactlessness (MKP said you were lacking in tact?), which…actually kind of hurts, because even though I know occasionally I just say wrong things, I’ve always thought I was pretty good at being diplomatic and tactful, in most situations, anyway.

Sigh. There was meant to be some sort of narrative or structure to this post but it kind of turned into word-vomit. Sorry about that. (Side note: apparently run-on sentences with lots of clauses are a thing for a lot of aspies, interestingly enough.)

tl;dr: i don’t feel comfortable identifying as an aspie, not with the whole problematic nature of self-diagnosis and my ability to talk myself into things, but it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in a lot of my weirdness - it makes me feel more okay with them, like they’re not necessarily things that are bad and need changing, and I’ve gotten some use out of various folks’ tips.

(It’s also made me feel a lot better about those weird times I have sometimes where my mouth just wants to stay shut and gifs seem so much easier than words, as wordy a person as I am.)

so I’m not saying you’re right, persephonesidekick, but I’m not saying you’re wrong, either. 

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