Jun. 16th, 2014

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shoutout out to all my buddies who have shitty dads or no dads at all this father’s day, you turned out just great regardless, you can’t choose your family and you don’t deserve any negativity from them,and you don’t deserve backlash or guilt-tripping for cutting them out of your life if that’s what you need/ed to do and i love you all 

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Officer woofles reporting for duty sir

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That otp that you ship every way like brotp, qpotp, otp, friends with benefits, soulmates, star crossed lovers, best friends since birth, forbidden lovers, and you just know that you’re never gonna ship a ship like this ever again

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We will have an entire wing of the library devoted to copies of book #26, because ohmygod it’s the one where Jake and Cassie finally KISS!!!

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apparently my starter motor is bad. *headdesk* at least I have a better idea of what I’m looking for in a new car, so I’m at least on my way to getting a working set of wheels? am conferring with my parents as to whether or not it’s worth the 500 needed to fix my current car.

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“all girls are catty to each other” myth actualy just statistical error. average girl is nice to other girls. Regina Georg, who goes to high school & insults over 10,000 girls each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

I think we’ve found the best one

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first rule of fight club

no fightin!…shakira shakiraaa

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by F.J. Bergmann

Meet and Marry a Gorgeous Russian Queen—a spam subject lineTo win her, you must learn the languageof birds. You Google to find out just what kindsof birds migrate between here and Siberia.You will build her a crystal castle of salt,dried from pure, sweet tears that you weptin disappointment over celebrity pornviruses and fraudulent penis extenders.Even on the paid matrimonial websites,she is the only truth shining among thousandsof false promises like a genuine gold crownsurrounded by rhinestone tiaras—or a shark’smouthful of yellowing teeth—and she looksdamn good in those dollar-store bras she boughtwith the money you sent her for airfare.Each successive e-mail has an explanationfor why she still doesn’t have enough for the visa,like an egg you crack open to find another eggenclosing still-smaller eggs. The final eggis Fabergé, with a jeweled window where you lookinside to see a little cottage with a tiny gardenand a couple holding hands. She has a doctoratein chemical engineering but you assure heryou are completely, totally healthy and drug-and alcohol-free. Anyway, she’ll never knowif you’re careful to always undress in the dark.She can cook anything, as long as it’s not lentils,and you promise she won’t need to cook.You plan to treat her to McDonald’s at least twicea week and you’ve got a whole case of ramennoodles left over from the Y2K stash. You evenhauled last year’s Xmas tree to the curb, adornedthe mailbox with plastic flowers, and sweptthe sidewalk in front of the house every dayfor a year in anticipation of her arrival.You decide not to tell her about the foreclosureuntil she’s gotten used to the place a little more.She steps down from her hut on chicken legswith a faintly amused smile, as it crouchesto take a crap in the next-door neighbor’s yard.She looks something like her photographand you are beginning to wish you’d changed—or at least washed—your I’m With Stupid t-shirt.“Hi there,” you say, with a bashful grin. Her accentis adorable but a bit difficult to understand.She is saying something about deception; or, morelikely, conception: women always want kids. Andsomething about Las Vegas, and—you’re prettysure about this one—getting a gift horse.

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