Sep. 14th, 2014

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andromedalogic:

i s2g a lot of the rules in my parents’ house were not “you can’t do this” but “ok, you can do it, but if you do you have to promise to feel guilty”

I know that feel. >.Relatedly, I will never forget the one time my mom gave me a choice about something and then got in trouble for choosing the wrong thing.

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likearumchocolatesouffle:

legallyblained:

hips don’t lie by oxford university’s all male choir

wow

I don’t know if it’s because of Glee or if it would have happened anyway, but watching a group of talented young men in matching school uniforms dance and sing a cappella songs by female artists is my kink. Excellent.

the music is beautiful, but I have to admit the video itself made me a little uncomfortable at times with how much it played up effeminitity - and maybe that’s internalized gender crap, idk, but I kind of felt like they were deliberately echoing all of the more stereotypically feminine aspects of the original music video’s choreography as a joke of some kind??? idk. but the singing was amazing, and just as an fyi, it’s even got a bit of a medley going at the end which was an awesome surprise since I love medleys and mashups like whoa.

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anothermissinglink:

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH PEOPLE IN PAIN1. People with chronic pain seem unreliable (we can’t count on ourselves). When feeling better we promise things (and mean it); when in serious pain, we may not even show up.
2. An action or situation may result in pain several hours later, or even the next day. Delayed pain is confusing to people who have never experienced it.
3. Pain can inhibit listening
and other communication skills. It’s like having someone shouting at you, or trying to talk with a fire alarm going off in the room. The effect of pain on the mind can seem like attention deficit disorder. So you may have to repeat a request, or write things down for a person with chronic pain. Don’t take it personally, or think that they are stupid.
4. The senses can overload while in pain. For example, noises that wouldn’t normally bother you, seem too much.
5. Patience may seem short. We can’t wait in a long line; can’t wait for a long drawn out conversation.
6. Don’t always ask “how are you” unless you are genuinely prepared to listen it just points attention inward.
7. Pain can sometimes trigger psychological disabilities (usually very temporary). When in pain, a small task, like hanging out the laundry, can seem like a huge wall, too high to climb over. An hour later the same job may be quite OK. It is sane to be depressed occasionally when you hurt.
8. Pain can come on fairly quickly and unexpectedly. Pain sometimes abates after a short rest. Chronic pain people appear to arrive and fade unpredictably to others.
9. Knowing where a refuge is, such as a couch, a bed, or comfortable chair, is as important as knowing where a bathroom is. A visit is much more enjoyable if the chronic pain person knows there is a refuge if needed. A person with chronic pain may not want to go anywhere that has no refuge (e.g.no place to sit or lie down).
10. Small acts of kindness can seem like huge acts of mercy to a person in pain. Your offer of a pillow or a cup of tea can be a really big thing to a person who is feeling temporarily helpless in the face of encroaching pain.
11. Not all pain is easy to locate or describe. Sometimes there is a body-wide feeling of discomfort, with hard to describe pains in the entire back, or in both legs, but not in one particular spot you can point to. Our vocabulary for pain is very limited, compared to the body’s ability to feel varieties of discomfort.
12. We may not have a good “reason” for the pain. Medical science is still limited in its understanding of pain. Many people have pain that is not yet classified by doctors as an officially recognized “disease”. That does not reduce the pain, – it only reduces our ability to give it a label, and to have you believe us.

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self, there are no 504 plans for life so you need to get your shit together.

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me to all my friends: YOU CAN DO IT. YOU MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE. LET'S DO THIS TOGETHER. COME ON!!!
me to myself: you fucking piece of shit you will amount to nothing nothing is worth it your feelings are irrational go sleep for 22 hours
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pipistrellus:

i fucking love following other disabled ppl bc they post about stuff like “i remembered that yogurt exists” and im like OH SHIT OH MY GOD… YOGURT EXISTS

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dear god yes

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straightgirl:

you’d think at 32 years old ryan gosling would be ryan goose by now

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fiftyshadesofhalaal:

fiftyshadesofhalaal:

Mean Hijabis by VeiledHumor

You all need to seriously check these girls out!

My bad I forgot to attach the link. It’s in the source now!

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safeword:

i hear LOADS of people, on my blog and elsewhere, telling a story that goes roughly like this:

"i’m dating this person, and i’m really subby and i just KNOW my partner could be dommy if they tried, but they keep saying they don’t want to hurt me. i tell them i WANT them to hurt me, i’ve told them a million times, but they just can’t get into it."

sound familiar?

huge step-by-step advice post under the cut!

Read More

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realitista:

It’s nice to get some positive news sometimes.

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not sure if mother is employing particularly subtle guilt trip or just prone to feeling guilt

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@partypoisen started following you

itsjadesy started following you

@subterraneanfire started following you

wallpaperterest started following you

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hannibal-ate-bluebell:

girls don’t want boys to like them girls want kristen stewart and natalie dormer to play lesbian lovers in an indie movie with a good soundtrack

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just find a therapist mkp

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…I just called my mother’s behavior abusive in a conversation with my dad.

I think I’m done with emotions for the day.

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right now i just the tiniest bit hate everyone and everything that has made me realize that what my mom does not only sucks but is not normal or okay, and i’m sorry about that, i am, but i didn’t want to know this i don’t want to know this i can’t deal with this being true.

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shamelessly_mkp: (Default)
(it’s cool guys i’ll stop crying soon and i’ll be right as rain within an hour, no worries.)

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also i probably will not respond to any responses to my melodrama anytime soon, just fyi, because i do not particularly want to talk about it at the moment i have talked about it far too much today and need to stop using kate as an impromptu therapist because that’s not fair. (thanks tho)

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princeowl:

if this internet prohibition shit ends up happening yall can catch me in the woods makin wifi moonshine 

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selfcareafterrape:

Boundaries are a complicated thing- especially for individuals who have been through trauma or come from families that had poor boundaries. We first learn boundaries in our family unit and then it is briefly talked about in schools, but most people just assume that boundaries are a thing ‘you know’. People who have gone through trauma may have had good boundaries before, but find them disrupted while trying to recover.

This is meant as a bare skeleton on how to rebuild boundaries:

Physical Boundaries.

Consciously make a decision about who can touch you, where and how. Lay out both things that are okay- and things that aren’t. Boundaries are going to vary from person to person- but you could say something like:

'I am okay with my friends hugging me but only if they do it from the front'

'I am not okay with anyone touching my neck'

'I am okay with people I've just met asking for hugs- but not with them touching me without asking first'

Boundaries are allowed to change too. Something you used to be okay with- might not be after trauma, or not on days that you’re triggered. If this happens, just talk to the individuals involved.

When someone violates a boundary- call them out.  A simple ‘Hey, I really dislike being touched like that’ ‘I’m not a big fan of hugs’. Once you’ve laid out a boundary- you can just call someone’s attention to it with a simple ‘really?’ or ‘We’ve talked about this’ ‘You need to respect my decision on if I want to be touched.’

The best way to get someone to respect a boundary- is to say it in a calm but serious voice. Not angry but also not joking/nervously laughing. If you need to, physically take a step backwards to further reinforce the boundary. 

Emotional Boundaries

Sometimes it can be hard to draw emotional boundaries because ‘they need us’, ‘they’re just acting out’, or ‘a good friend would’.

Understand that boundaries are necessarily for everyone involved, and just giving in every time someone asks you for something isn’t being a good friend- it is being a doormat. Having boundaries isn’t selfish- it allows everyone involved to grow.

Figure out what being a good friend really means for you- and understand that the best boundaries are flexible boundaries.

which means that you can set a boundary of ‘You cannot call me after 10 pm’ most of the time- and still be there should something come up that you feel it is appropriate to shift that boundary. Like, ‘Usually it isn’t okay to call me super late- but you’ve been through some rough stuff lately, so it is okay if you call me when you need me right now.’ Or ‘I usually wouldn’t handle you snapping at me- but I understand that  x is going on. But I am going to make you aware that it isn’t going to continue. I’m happy to be here for you- but you are not going to use me as an emotional punching bag.’

You’re allowed to put boundaries on how much you can help too, ‘I’ll do what I can. but I can’t be there for you 24/7. It isn’t healthy for either of us for me to literally be your everything.’ and if you’re in that position- with a friend who is struggling, you can offer to help them find other means and other support- whether it be a hotline, a support group, or helping them make new friends… but you need to hold strong to the fact that you aren’t going to be ‘on call’ all the time. That you are a person too, and you have to take care of yourself as well. This does not make you selfish- I promise.

Material Boundaries

Material boundaries have to deal with our things. Such as whether or not you’re cool lending money to friends, or letting them stay at your house.

A big problem with material boundaries is that people often have a check list of ‘I can let so-and-so borrow stuff/stay over’ but they don’t set limits.

There is a big difference between someone spending a few nights on your coach because they’re only in the state that long, or they need a safe place to go too… and someone living in your house without paying rent for a couple of months.

and while there are some circumstances where you may permit that (helping a friend get out of an abusive relationship) there are others that you might not be.

And you are allowed to set those boundaries. It isn’t about how good of a friend you are. You aren’t failing someone when they need you most. You are setting boundaries that allow your relationships to survive.

It is also important to realize that if you have a friend that turns down things you offer- it is a boundary on their part. Sometimes people will try and convince someone to accept a gift or let them buy them dinner- and everyone needs to be aware that it isn’t cool to keep trying if someone is uncomfortable. A reason for this boundary may be ‘I can’t afford to pay you back- and I was taught to never be in debt to someone’ to ‘I am used to things like that coming with a price I can’t pay later on.’ and while on the first- you may be able to talk to them and be like, ‘hey, I’m in a better position financially right now… so let me get you dinner. you can pay me back with the pleasure of your company’  but understand when a no is a no.

Mental Boundaries

Mental Boundaries come in two main forms- our absorption of other people’s ideas, and how much what they say affects us.

Mental boundaries can be telling that friend that is just a little too pushy about their politics, “Hey, I would prefer not to talk about politics at the dinner table.” or “You know what? I don’t have information about either side right now. So I’m going to read up later instead of making an opinion based only off what your can tell me.”

Mental boundaries are what allow us to come in contact with gross individuals and come away less hurt. It doesn’t mean that you’re never allowed to be effected by someone calling you a slur, or someone making comment on your worth- but they’re what allow us to say ‘They might think I’m (unpleasant thing) but 1. their opinion does not matter to me and 2. I have all these reasons I know otherwise/ people that believe otherwise. I shouldn’t let this hurt me.’ Setting a mental boundary doesn’t mean not calling people out who spout cruel things, or that you have to sit around and listen to it though. Play it safe and take care of yourself.

….

The thing about boundaries is that usually, they are found through bumping into them. Most of our boundaries are things we’ll never speak aloud because usually we don’t need to. (Think of it this way- you probably don’t have to tell your friends that it isn’t okay to punch you. Because this is a generally understood boundary.) People don’t sit down when they meet and go ‘Hi- I am so-and-so and never touch me here here and here, and never bring up this and never ask to do so and so’ and it would probably be a little weird if we did that about everything.

But when something is a strong boundary- such as a trigger, it is perfectly okay to bring it up before the boundary is bumped. Just a ‘Hey, I know this might sound weird, and you’d probably never do it- but I have a really bad reaction to people touching me without my permission and I’d rather put that out here now’ 

And a verbal/written call out of boundaries is the best one. while we should try and be conscious of people’s body language/ unvoiced cues- sometimes they can be hard to read or people don’t notice them. 

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