5/?

[shamelessly_mkp]

 PREVIOUS PART 

Kurt swallowed hard as he exited Blaine's room, trying to force back tears. He didn't know what to do, and Blaine needed him and what if he did it wrong -

No. He couldn't do this now. Blaine needed him. Kurt could do all the panicking and second-thinking and guilt-tripping he wanted later. Right now, this was not about him. It was about Blaine, and what Blaine needed, even if Kurt wasn't quite sure what that was.

It had been terrifying, looking up from tying Blaine's bowtie to see the empty, afraid look on his boyfriend's face. He'd looked so panicked, but also so out of it - he hadn't even heard Kurt asking if he was okay. He hadn't responded at all until Kurt had, in a moment of sheer desperation, slapped him.

It was like the other day, but Blaine didn't seem to be enjoying it. He seemed upset, and frightened, and he couldn't seem to snap out of it. 

Kurt didn't know what was going on, but he needed to fix it. This wasn't subspace. Or maybe it was, but something had gone terribly, terribly wrong.

Kurt could still faintly hear Blaine obediently counting down. The slap had worked, sort of. Blaine had been back with him for a few minutes, before he slipped back down. Maybe a shock was exactly what he needed.

Kurt made it back to Blaine’s room right as his boyfriend got to seven, cutting it closer than Kurt would have liked. Crossing the room, Kurt knelt on the floor in front of his boyfriend, taking one of Blaine’s hands in his. He waited patiently for Blaine to finish counting and then took the ice-cold washcloth he’d brought with him and gently placed it on Blaine’s face.

It took a second, but then Blaine was instinctively pulling back. Kurt held him still. “Just a little longer, honey.”

“Cold,” Blaine complained petulantly.

“I know, honey, but it’s waking you up, isn’t it?”

“M’not asleep!”

“No,” Kurt agreed, finally pulling the washcloth back. “You weren’t sleeping. But you weren’t quite awake, either. Are you back with me now?”

Blaine blinked at him, eyes clearer than they had been. “I guess so? I don’t understand the question.” 

Kurt could see the moment panic started to hit.

“I’m sorry! I should know, I don’t, I’m sorry, I’ll do better-”

“Blaine.” Kurt spoke firmly, waiting until Blaine trailed off to continue. “You’re doing just fine. You’re being so good for me, honey; I promise.”

Blaine didn’t believe him, Kurt could tell.

“Have I ever lied to you, Blaine?”

Blaine shook his head. “No, never.”

“Never,” Kurt agreed. “And I never will. So when I say you don’t need to be sorry, I mean it. Understand?”

Blaine hesitated. “Intellectually I understand it,” he said quietly. “That doesn’t mean I believe it - not that I don’t believe you, because I do, I just -”

“Shh, I know.” Kurt absolved Blaine’s burgeoning guilt with a chaste kiss. “It’s hard for you, Blaine. I know that. I know you still feel sorry, even though you don’t need to be. I’m not angry with you. I just want you to try to move past that. It’s not necessary. You, Blaine Ex-Warbler, are perfect just the way you are, and I am so proud of you.”

“I want you to be.”

Kurt’s heart broke a little again at Blaine’s plaintive tone, and instinctively he pulled his boyfriend down to kiss him again. “I am,” Kurt whispered again and again against Blaine’s lips. “I am; so very, very proud.”

Pulling back, Kurt looked at Blaine searchingly. “What do you need, Blaine?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Kurt said quickly, because Blaine looked so broken up about not knowing. “That’s okay, honey. You don’t have to know. Are you still having trouble staying here with me?”

“Not like I was before?” Blaine’s breath hitched in an almost sob. “Kurt, I couldn’t - it was like I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t move and you weren’t there-”

“I was there,” Kurt broke in sharply. Taking a deep breath, he consciously gentled his tone. “I mean, I was there, honey. I promise. The only time I left was when I had you count for me.”

“No, I know,” Blaine said, and Kurt could hear frustration in his voice. “You were here, I know you were, but you weren’t - I couldn’t even say yourname, Kurt. It was like I was sinking down and down and down and I was never going to come back up and -”

“And it scared you,” Kurt finished for him. Blaine nodded. “Listen to me, honey. You’re safe with me. You’re always safe with me. I’ll never let anything happen to you if I can possibly help it.”

Blaine nodded again, more slowly.

“So what do you need, honey?”

“Just…talk to me?” Blaine requested quietly. “It’s easier when you - when I have something to focus on.”

“Of course.” Kurt sat down on the bed behind Blaine and tugged him closer, cuddling up to him. “Have I told you about Finn’s latest career plan yet?” At Blaine’s shake of his head, Kurt smiled, rolling his eyes. “Well, it may be the most ridiculous one yet, let me tell you…”

Blaine drifted off before Kurt got half-way through his dramatic re-enactment of the latest Finchel drama, much to Kurt’s relief. He really wasn’t sure what was best to do for Blaine at the moment - he was pretty sure Blaine had been going into subspace again, like yesterday, but something had gone wrong … he’d never read about that.

Kurt carefully disentangled himself from Blaine (he swore Blaine somehow grew extra limbs when he slept. It was the only explanation.) and grabbed Blaine’s laptop from the desk. He cuddled up to Blaine again as he opened the computer. It was time to do a little more research…and to figure out just how to talk to Blaine about it.

Kurt could tell when Blaine started to wake, because all of a sudden the head in his lap was turning in toward Kurt’s belly and nuzzling in. Kurt set the computer aside to pet his boyfriend’s hair some more. 

“Hey, sleepyhead. You awake?”

“..no.”

Kurt couldn’t help but laugh. Sleepy Blaine was adorable. “Well, alright then,” Kurt teased, “I guess I’d better go home, since my boyfriend clearly isn’t awake enough to care.”

“No, don’t go. M’awake.” Blaine’s yawn was muffled by Kurt’s shirt, and Kurt stifled another giggle.

“You sure?”

“M’sure.” Blaine slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“It’s okay.” Kurt smiled. “You needed the rest. Besides, it wasn’t exactly a hardship to cuddle with my extremely cuddly boyfriend.” Deciding Blaine was awake enough now, Kurt grew serious once again. It was time. God help him. (Figuratively speaking, okay. It’s a turn of phrase, nothing more.)

“I think we need to talk, honey.” Kurt could feel Blaine stiffen, and hurried to add: “It’s nothing bad, I promise. I’m not breaking up with you or telling you I have some awful disease or anything like that. It’s just -” Kurt cut himself off. How was he going to do this? 

Making a split-second decision, Kurt abruptly said: “Stand up, Blaine.”

Blaine looked confused (and concerned, and cuddly, and cute, and…not the point) but obediently stood. “Kurt, what -”

“Hop on one foot,” Kurt ordered, not budging from his spot on the bed.

Blaine hopped for a few moments, then stopped. “Kurt -”

“Did I say to stop?” Kurt said sharply.

“…No?” Blaine said hesitantly.

Kurt raised an imperious eyebrow, heart racing. This was the true test.

Blaine started hopping again. “I feel ridiculous,” he complained. “Why am I doing this, Kurt?”

“Because I told you to,” Kurt said, feeling slightly giddy.

“Yeah, but why?”

“I just said.”

“No you didn’t,” Blaine disagreed.

Kurt stopped fighting the slightly manic grin his face wanted to make. “Yes, I did. You’re doing this because I told you to.”

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