shame is for other people

so i feel not so great and know that it will just get worse if i don’t actually find and take some midol before the badness really hits, but i can’t find any and feel tired and achy enough that the thought of going to the store seems highly undesirable

basically, as always:

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wow i am pretty sure i have slept like at least 4/5 of the last four days and i am still exhausted, way to go body well done

on the plus side my throat is now only a little scrtchy and not actually painful and i feel like 300% less like death so i am pretty sure i will be able to make it to work tomorrow?

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I had a lovely lunch with my mom today to celebrate her birthday (a week late) and it was for the most part wonderful and good but I still came away from it feeling a little awful about my self because she and my dad worry about me reading untrue shit on the internet and just taking it at face value and not being critical of it and you know, they’re probably right? they ~sound~ right. but so do the people who say that people just aren’t paying attention and that this is what has happened and what is happening.

I am so fucking persuadable and I hate it. I will tie myself up in knots trying to rationalize myself into agreeing with your opinion if I like you and care about you, because I feel like you’ll think I’m stupid or awful if I continue to disagree and there are very few things I am sure enough about to withstand that kind of internal pressure, but fuck if I will ever back down on those things because no okay human rights are not a matter of opinion they are objectively true needs that are not being met

and when it comes to other, less important things, well. there are very few people I can keep my opinion with and even then sometimes it can be hard to not just give in because I don’t want them mad at me or disappointed so I’m still trying to rationalize their opinion but am just managing to keep hold of my convictions anyway. 

and like. I am pretty sure that being terrified of someone thinking worse of me because of my opinions on such varied things as gun control or the plot of iron man three is not actually normal or reasonable but I can’t help it okay I hate being wrong I hate being stupid I hate being a disappointment.

and the worst part is that even when I ~am~ firm in my beliefs/opinions, if you challenge me on them, put me on the spot, I can’t properly articulate them and it all comes out wrong and I can’t remember sources so I look like some gulliable idiot crackpot and it’s even worse when it’s a hot button issue and I get upset because then it gets even harder to say aything properly and so I just keep putting things badly or mixing up my words or even just breaking down into tears and god, that right there pretty much destroys any chance at credibility you might have had, okay? 

just. argh.

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for those of you following along at home:

1) my headaches are back with a frequency and intensity they haven’t had in nearly six years

2) this may possibly be related to the new meds I’m on, but there are no guarantees of that and

3) I really fucking need these meds because I am mostly functioning all throughout the day after taking them but then it’s all ideation and self-loathing and northern virginia in the late evening.

4) all of this is compounded by the fact that work is currently hellish and I have gone from very distant supervision to micromanagement like ~that~ and don’t get along with or am able to communicate with my supervisor to boot

5) plus all the recent mom stuff altho good things happened there lately i should post about that at some point

6) and all those adulting things i’m working on like finding an apartment and NEW DOCTORS

tl;dr: my head hurts and there are no 504 plans for life.

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my comforter fell apart in the wash.

it’d been coming for a while so it’s not really all that surprising; it’s a cheap-ass bed-in-a-bag comforter I got eight years ago heading off to university. the surprising part is really that it’s made it this far.

and yet

I do still have my second comforter, which is usable! it’s not unbearable or anything, it just doesn’t feel as nice as THIS comforter and also it has itchy and childish ruffles because we had to go to the baby section of the store to find anything tolerable back when I originally bought it.

and I had already been looking at new comforters because this one was starting to fall apart, so I at least have a potential candidate for a new one, if I can get over the OH GOD COMMITMENT bit I keep balking at.

the texture isn’t perfect, but it’s 100% cotton so it should only get softer and hopefully more like the one it’s meant to replace.

it’s pretty loud, which worries me - what if I get sick of it? how will I decorate with it? clearly I won’t be able to have a bright blue bedroom again if I get it.

it’s really damn cheerful tho —

—and god knows I can always use a little cheer.

.

.

.

jfc, tho. three separate stores and I only found three bearable sets of bedding. Out of the hundreds and hundreds of sets they had.

neurotypicals, man.

what the fuck.

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my doctor upped my dosage of the new meds yesterday; I’m hoping that’ll help because although I am undeniably more functional and productive than I was three weeks ago, I would not say that I am in fact now functional and productive.

and also I am just so damn cranky all the time.

which is, I guess, an improvement on being about to cry most of the time? but I don’t like getting annoyed at everything and angry so often. and I don’t think it’s just that there’s more stuff to be angry and annoyed at, although some of it is certainly stuff that would’ve enraged me anyway.

and my headache keeps coming and going in an alarmingly familiar way. 

I like not having a headache all the time. I would like to keep it that way.

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well, it looks like a lot of that crankiness was hunger because i am only mentally headdesking and facepalming at just having clicked on something with glee sp0ilers instead of foaming at the mouth and/or tearing up.

i am so glad chef boyardee brought back the easy-pop-open lids.

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phone calls should be outlawed for anything except special occasions i hate hearing the phone ring.

…admittedly i would not have to listen to it for so long if i actually answered the phone but fuck that noise. 90% of the time it’s a telemarketer and another 9% is just a blank dialtone.

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I am kind of sick of pizza but my head really hurts and my kitchen’s a disaster zone.

Why are there no other reasonably priced restaurants that deliver.

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…the only things I’ve done in the last two days are to eat, sleep, and fuck around online.

oops?

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