shamelesslymkp:
Based purely on my own life experiences and vantage point! YMMV. Tread carefully if you don’t know the person well. If you are afraid for their safety and well-being, suggest they contact a professional. Do not be afraid to say “I am out of my depth here. I want to help, but I don’t want to make things worse.”
NOTE: If you think I have written something terribly wrong wrong that is so very very wrong please tell me! Everyone is different, of course, so everyone’s needs at times like these are going to be different, but even with all my disclaimers, I don’t want to be suggesting things other people know to be harmful.
If they feel completely overwhelmed by life…
Express that you care.
Ask how you can help.
Help if they ask for it. Don’t attempt to help if they say not to. Express again that you care, that you are there if they decide they want your help in future.
If they do ask for help, but don’t know what you can do, here are some ideas:
help them break down the problems that are overwhelming them and focus on one thing at a time
help them break out of the anxiety spiral by offering a distraction
let them just talk out their feelings to you
If they’re dealing with a particular problem that seems unsolvable…
Express that you care.
Ask how you can help.
Help if they ask for it. Don’t attempt to help if they say not to. Express again that you care, that you are there if they decide they want your help in future.
If they do ask for help, but don’t know what you can do, here are some ideas:
help them break down the problem: what is it? why is it seemingly insurmountable what are the consequences if they fail to surmount it?
often, things like these seem worse than they are because we do things like exaggerate consequences and assign moral values to things that really don’t ~have~ moral value as such (example: you fail to meet an important deadline because you procrastinated. you have made a mistake, one that will have a major effect on your academics/work/whatever. you have failed at this one specific task. that does not automatically translate to “you are a failure”, although our brains often do so.)
help them create an action plan for solving the problem
help them create an action plan for what to do if worst comes to worst - sometimes it helps just to know that the world won’t actually end, that there are ways to keep it turning even if they’re difficult or unpleasant
If they feel like nothing and no-one, as depression sometimes make you do…
Express that you care.
Ask how you can help.
Help if they ask for it. Don’t attempt to help if they say not to. Express again that you care, that you are there if they decide they want your help in future.
If they do ask for help, but don’t know what you can do, here are some ideas:
physically keep them company! if they are comfortable with touch (ask! their feelings may be different right now, even if normally they are the cuddliest of cuddlebunnies.), skin contact can be very grounding and comforting
help them think of good things they have achieved in the past, and/or positive traits about themselves
tell them why they are important to you
If they are survivors of abuse, rape, sexual assault, etc. and are being triggered by something…
Express that you care.
Ask how you can help.
Help if they ask for it. Don’t attempt to help if they say not to. Express again that you care, that you are there if they decide they want your help in future.
If they do ask for help, but don’t know what you can do, here are some ideas:
Let them talk, about the trigger, how they feel, about their opinions on the latest Glee episode, whatever. Just listen.
if they feel silly or angry or ashamed about being triggered (which can happen!), make sure to remind them that their emotions and reactions are absolutely valid and that it doesn’t matter what triggered them or why - what matters is that they have been triggered and they’re hurting and you would like to help.
Help them distract themselves from their current feelings.
Help them extricate themselves from the situation, if appropriate and they want your help in doing so.
Offer a hug. DO NOT INITIATE ANY PHYSICAL CONTACT WITHOUT EXPLICIT PERMISSION. EVEN IF THEY ARE THE CUDDLIEST OF CUDDLEBUNNIES. Make sure they know that you will respect their boundaries.
If they’re having urges to self-injure…
Express that you care.
Ask if they are safe at the present time. If they do not feel safe, do not leave them alone. Call 911/take them to the ER if that seems prudent.
If they are safe at the present time, ask how you can help.
Help if they ask for it. Don’t attempt to help if they say not to. Express again that you care, that you are there if they decide they want your help in future.
If they do ask for help, but don’t know what you can do, here are some ideas:
Ask if they would like you to keep them company until the urges pass
Ask if they would like you to take possession of their usual tool until the urges pass
Suggest other things they can do to mimic the sensation without actually hurting themselves: snapping a rubber band on their wrist, holding ice for as long as they can hold it. Drawing really hard on paper can also be cathartic, or doing something like punching a pillow. If they don’t feel real/present, suggest other ways of grounding themselves through their senses - stroking their own arms, taking a hot bath, etc.
Help them find a way to distract themselves until the urges pass
If they’re feeling suicidal…
Express that you care.
Ask if they are safe at the present time. If they do not feel safe, do not leave them alone. Call 911/take them to the ER ASAP.
If they are safe at the present time, ask how you can help.
Help if they ask for it. Don’t attempt to help if they say not to. Express again that you care, that you are there if they decide they want your help in future.
If they do ask for help, but don’t know what you can do, here are some ideas:
If they are actively suicidal, again, help them seek professional help.
One sign of being actively suicidal as opposed to passively suicidal is having a plan/method.
If they are passively suicidal (defined here as wanting to be dead, but not wanting to kill themselves):
Ask if they would like you to keep them company until the urges pass
Remind them that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suggest grounding themselves in the present. Don’t think about the future, don’t think about tomorrow. Think about this next breath, this next minute. Every minute is a victory.
Suicidal thoughts happen for a variety of reasons, but in essence, suicidal thoughts are the reaction to a situation/emotion that seems untenable. (example: Imagine the worst feeling you have ever felt. Now imagine that never stopping. Imagine the only thing you see when you think of the future is day after day of feeling this emotion, never lessening, never changing. You might feel like there’s no point in prolonging your suffering, or you might literally not even be able to imagine continuing like this.) Remind them that even though it may seem impossible at the present time, they will not feel like this forever.
If this is a chronic problem for this person, remind them of all the other times they’ve fought this battle and won. (caution: this can backfire as it may just make the person feel like waiting out the low for a high is pointless, since another low is bound to happen anyway. tread carefully.)
Help them find ways to distract themselves from the thoughts.
Instead of being actively or passively suicidal, they may be experiencing what I call reflexive suicidal ideation. (I have no idea if that’s the proper terminology or not.) By this I mean that due to a history of suicidal ideation, their brain now reflexively repeats those thoughts when triggered by a stressor. The person does not really want to kill themselves or even to be dead/gone, but their brain is repeatedly saying things like “I should be dead/I should just kill myself.” (as you can imagine, this can be very upsetting and frustrating.)
Help them reframe the thoughts. It can be useful to refute the ideation out loud. ”No, I don’t want to die. I made a mistake, and I’m going to have to deal with the consequences, and it’s going to suck, but I don’t want to die.”
note: do not offer help, now or in the future, if you are not willing or able to follow through! it is perfectly reasonable that you might not have the spoons yourself to help a friend through a trying time! let them know that you care, and suggest other sources of support for them if you can.
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