(kate i didn’t bls this for you because &
passing mention of my having had sexual experiences, jsyk. although that’s.
about as much as there is in the actual post, so. idk. possibly tmi?)
I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m not sure I’ve &
sexually attracted to a &en mean???
Like I get turned on, okay, but what turns me on is the things people are
doing or saying (and that rarely in person). Making out turns me on, and
the thought of the way it feels making out turns me on, but the thought of
making out itself? not so much.
but otoh, I do find people attractive in different ways, right, like this
person is cute as in I want to cuddle them or this person is beautiful in I
should admire you and your perfection from afar because I might break you
you’re so perfect or even this person is gorgeous I just love looking at you
but the only times people really seem sexy are like. when a guy is
gesturing with his hands and his wrists and hands just look fucking
&ips and cocks her head in just the
right way, or when people are moving together and getting off but in a
beautiful way, all smooth lines and pretty sounds
and this doesn’t quite seem to be the way most people feel attraction???
idk.
and beyond the sexual whatever, like how the squelchy grossness of it all
and the skin-crawling sense of someone being way too fucking close to me
when I try to imagine actually having someone touch me sexually, and how in
my two semi-sexual experiences at camp any sexual feelings were completely
divorced from the other person involved -
idk about romance, either. I *remember* liking people romantically, I guess
- I mean, that’s basically a squish where you also find the person
attractive, right? it’s not like I ever daydreamed about kissing them, not
really, but I enjoyed kissing and touching them and I thought about them
all the time, felt lightheaded and dizzy when they were close enough I
could feel the heat of their body or smell whatever cologne/perfume they
were wearing.
that’s attraction, isn’t it?
but I don’t really want another romantic relationship. I’m not sure I’ve
ever *wanted* one, really - they always just kind of happened, where I
liked someone and found them interesting, and then all of a sudden they
were suddenly really attractive and breathtaking and it kind of went from
there.
it’s a suffocating, skin-crawling idea, being so wrapped up in another
person as I see on tv or read about in books, as much as I like to
watch/read such things.
I like being me and only me. I even hesitate at the idea of having more
intimate friendships, because how do I stay my own person when a tiny part
of me is always devoted to them?
of course, it is also my understanding that I have codependent tendencies
so maybe that’s not how intimacy is supposed to work.
but idk how the fuck it *is* supposed to work, then.
.
.
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