Role Policing
Dec. 9th, 2013 10:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shamelessly_mkpchainedtomyconsole:
As usual, this is my opinion, everyone is different. No hate. Blah blah the usual forewarnings.
Haven’t written anything in a while so I’m just gonna write my opinions on…
Why I no longer believe in the D/s term “Topping from the bottom”:
It can be used manipulatively.
Subs, especially a sub new to the lifestyle/scene, are inclined to believe you, as a Dom, when you imply that they should do something, act a certain way, or change themselves, in order to be a “real” or “true” sub. I myself have fallen for this many times, luckily I have never been seriously “damaged” in any way, emotionally or physically. Everyone is different.. but keep in mind that a submissive might take in the things you say, and you can easily manipulate them by telling them they’re “topping from the bottom.”
In turn, it can be used in such a way to make a submissive feel guilty for having their own desires, needs, and opinions.
The idea that submissive’s simply don’t have desires or opinions on you, their life, or what they want in the bedroom, is obviously wrong. Why do we base so much on this idea? It’s simply wrong. If a submissive says “no,” to you, or says that they would be happy to have X or Y from you, or says that they need aftercare.. By telling them or claiming that they are “topping from the bottom” you are making them feel guilty for their own human wants and needs. You are hurting your bond and any trust they have placed in you. You are using those words to hurt them and make them feel like they are a bad sub, and you are (deliberately or not) trying to make them change for you.
It implies that submissive’s can never “go against” their top, and if they do, that they are being disrespectful.
I admit I still struggle with this, as a new submissive myself. It took me a long time, I think longer than I even know, to become strong as a sub. It took me a long time to realize it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to ask for something (whether it’s something sexual, or nonsexual). It’s okay to say “I like this toy, can we please use it?” It’s okay to safeword. It’s your CHOICE for when you want to safeword. You are being honest and genuine by asking for what you want and need politely, not disrespectful.
It implies that a top doesn’t have to give anything back to you for what you give to them.
I can see this turning into a giant argument, but I don’t care. Like I said, my opinion. And that opinion is.. that a dominant that does not give ANYTHING back to you, is abusive. That “anything” could be a lot of things.. it could be sex, or play time, it could be comfort and reassurance, it could be aftercare. It could be feedback. It could be praise.
It implies that only one person has all the power. Subs have power too.
We like to pretend that our Doms have all the power. It’s fun and hot! :) We like it that way, and thats great. But.. it’s not actually true, nor should it be. You should ALWAYS have limits, and ALWAYS have a safeword. I personally don’t believe D/s can survive without the bottom having at least a little power. In order to be happy and health, a bottom must have the power to say no, the power to ask for their needs, and the power to walk away. When we say “topping from the bottom” we’re putting out an idea that only Dom’s have power.
What I believe “topping from the bottom” actually is… And how we can change it:
Lies.
As a submissive, If you do not agree with something, you must voice it. MUST. Lets say you’re in the middle of a scene, and you suddenly don’t like something that is happening to you.. Use your safeword.
DON’T try to run away. DON’T try to exaggerate any pain you’re feeling in order to make them stop. Just safeword, make it clear that you want it to stop and that you are unhappy. Don’t beat around the bush.
People often call that “topping from the bottom” but what it really is.. you’re lying. You’re lying by not speaking up. You’re lying by going through with the scene anyway, even if you don’t like it.
You don’t need to lie or attempt to manipulate your top. Just say no. Just safeword. Just discuss.
If you safeword, safeword honstly. Don’t be like.. “If you don’t do X to me I’ll end the scene.” Just be honest.
Guilt.
Don’t guilt your top into anything. Speak about what you need and want honestly and clearly.
Remember how I said Dom’s sometimes try to guilt subs into something.. by saying “If you were REALLY submissive you would do X…”
Thats them guilting you. Thats not fun, so don’t do it to your Dom either.
Don’t imply that they aren’t a real Dom if they don’t do/say X or Y.
If you say something like that to a dominant, thats not “topping from the bottom” that’s just guilting them.
Don’t guilt your top, don’t let them guilt you.
The other side of “topping from the bottom”… The term “service top.”
I hate this term as well. Just as much as I hate “topping from the bottom.”
People use the term “service top” to describe a Dom who enjoys topping in line with their partner and his/her desires, wants, and needs.
That is a perfectly wonderful thing to me! But.. MOST people in the lifestyle use that word negatively, they say it in disgust. Along with “topping from the bottom.”
People use that term to make dominants feel bad for making their submissive’s happy. People use it to make dominants feel like they “aren’t dominant enough.”
The community is doing so much damage with those implications.. We’re literally advocating for abuse in D/s and kink. We’re trying to tell Dominants they’re doing it wrong by making their sub happy.. we’re telling them to make their sub UNhappy, and then they will be a “real” Dom.
Thats sick. Lets not do that.
All of this is… Role policing. The “one true way.”
Lets stop making it so you MUST be X to be a Dom, and you MUST be Y to be a sub.
Role policing is a way to pressure people, everyone, into being a certain kind of Dom or sub. And thats bad.
Pressure creates an environment thats unsafe.. It TAKES AWAY CONSENT. It morphs it. It changes it.
We need consent to be the happy, healthy kinksters we are. So stop role policing!
You don’t need to be tiny, and skinny and girly to identify as a little.
You don’t have to love tail plugs to identify as a pet, or be into petplay.
You don’t “have to like bondage to be a ‘real’ submissive.”
You don’t “have to be a sadist to be a ‘real’ dominant.”
So…
Let’s fight our own stigma’s and stereotypes.
Let’s stop policing others and ourselves.
Let’s be careful about what we say to our bottoms and our tops.
Let’s remember we’re all different.. there is no “one true way!”
Let’s realize that there is no problem with subs being happy and asking for what they want… and that there is no problem with Dom’s wanting their sub to be happy. Why do we look down on this so much?
I am not perfect either.. I have been down these same roads, and most likely will struggle with them again. I am very new myself, and have lots to learn about myself and my Dom and what we both want. But I truly believe that as long as I’m honest, and as long as he is caring, we will be happy.
References
I read a bit about these terms, and found different opinions, as well as a bunch of stuff involving Fifty Shades lol Here are the two that stuck out:
1) BDSM Roles (This one goes along with my own opinion)
2) Topping from the Bottom (This one goes against my opinion)
via:Tumblr http://shamelesslymkp.tumblr.com/post/69522436667
As usual, this is my opinion, everyone is different. No hate. Blah blah the usual forewarnings.
Haven’t written anything in a while so I’m just gonna write my opinions on…
Why I no longer believe in the D/s term “Topping from the bottom”:
It can be used manipulatively.
Subs, especially a sub new to the lifestyle/scene, are inclined to believe you, as a Dom, when you imply that they should do something, act a certain way, or change themselves, in order to be a “real” or “true” sub. I myself have fallen for this many times, luckily I have never been seriously “damaged” in any way, emotionally or physically. Everyone is different.. but keep in mind that a submissive might take in the things you say, and you can easily manipulate them by telling them they’re “topping from the bottom.”
In turn, it can be used in such a way to make a submissive feel guilty for having their own desires, needs, and opinions.
The idea that submissive’s simply don’t have desires or opinions on you, their life, or what they want in the bedroom, is obviously wrong. Why do we base so much on this idea? It’s simply wrong. If a submissive says “no,” to you, or says that they would be happy to have X or Y from you, or says that they need aftercare.. By telling them or claiming that they are “topping from the bottom” you are making them feel guilty for their own human wants and needs. You are hurting your bond and any trust they have placed in you. You are using those words to hurt them and make them feel like they are a bad sub, and you are (deliberately or not) trying to make them change for you.
It implies that submissive’s can never “go against” their top, and if they do, that they are being disrespectful.
I admit I still struggle with this, as a new submissive myself. It took me a long time, I think longer than I even know, to become strong as a sub. It took me a long time to realize it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to ask for something (whether it’s something sexual, or nonsexual). It’s okay to say “I like this toy, can we please use it?” It’s okay to safeword. It’s your CHOICE for when you want to safeword. You are being honest and genuine by asking for what you want and need politely, not disrespectful.
It implies that a top doesn’t have to give anything back to you for what you give to them.
I can see this turning into a giant argument, but I don’t care. Like I said, my opinion. And that opinion is.. that a dominant that does not give ANYTHING back to you, is abusive. That “anything” could be a lot of things.. it could be sex, or play time, it could be comfort and reassurance, it could be aftercare. It could be feedback. It could be praise.
It implies that only one person has all the power. Subs have power too.
We like to pretend that our Doms have all the power. It’s fun and hot! :) We like it that way, and thats great. But.. it’s not actually true, nor should it be. You should ALWAYS have limits, and ALWAYS have a safeword. I personally don’t believe D/s can survive without the bottom having at least a little power. In order to be happy and health, a bottom must have the power to say no, the power to ask for their needs, and the power to walk away. When we say “topping from the bottom” we’re putting out an idea that only Dom’s have power.
What I believe “topping from the bottom” actually is… And how we can change it:
Lies.
As a submissive, If you do not agree with something, you must voice it. MUST. Lets say you’re in the middle of a scene, and you suddenly don’t like something that is happening to you.. Use your safeword.
DON’T try to run away. DON’T try to exaggerate any pain you’re feeling in order to make them stop. Just safeword, make it clear that you want it to stop and that you are unhappy. Don’t beat around the bush.
People often call that “topping from the bottom” but what it really is.. you’re lying. You’re lying by not speaking up. You’re lying by going through with the scene anyway, even if you don’t like it.
You don’t need to lie or attempt to manipulate your top. Just say no. Just safeword. Just discuss.
If you safeword, safeword honstly. Don’t be like.. “If you don’t do X to me I’ll end the scene.” Just be honest.
Guilt.
Don’t guilt your top into anything. Speak about what you need and want honestly and clearly.
Remember how I said Dom’s sometimes try to guilt subs into something.. by saying “If you were REALLY submissive you would do X…”
Thats them guilting you. Thats not fun, so don’t do it to your Dom either.
Don’t imply that they aren’t a real Dom if they don’t do/say X or Y.
If you say something like that to a dominant, thats not “topping from the bottom” that’s just guilting them.
Don’t guilt your top, don’t let them guilt you.
The other side of “topping from the bottom”… The term “service top.”
I hate this term as well. Just as much as I hate “topping from the bottom.”
People use the term “service top” to describe a Dom who enjoys topping in line with their partner and his/her desires, wants, and needs.
That is a perfectly wonderful thing to me! But.. MOST people in the lifestyle use that word negatively, they say it in disgust. Along with “topping from the bottom.”
People use that term to make dominants feel bad for making their submissive’s happy. People use it to make dominants feel like they “aren’t dominant enough.”
The community is doing so much damage with those implications.. We’re literally advocating for abuse in D/s and kink. We’re trying to tell Dominants they’re doing it wrong by making their sub happy.. we’re telling them to make their sub UNhappy, and then they will be a “real” Dom.
Thats sick. Lets not do that.
All of this is… Role policing. The “one true way.”
Lets stop making it so you MUST be X to be a Dom, and you MUST be Y to be a sub.
Role policing is a way to pressure people, everyone, into being a certain kind of Dom or sub. And thats bad.
Pressure creates an environment thats unsafe.. It TAKES AWAY CONSENT. It morphs it. It changes it.
We need consent to be the happy, healthy kinksters we are. So stop role policing!
You don’t need to be tiny, and skinny and girly to identify as a little.
You don’t have to love tail plugs to identify as a pet, or be into petplay.
You don’t “have to like bondage to be a ‘real’ submissive.”
You don’t “have to be a sadist to be a ‘real’ dominant.”
So…
Let’s fight our own stigma’s and stereotypes.
Let’s stop policing others and ourselves.
Let’s be careful about what we say to our bottoms and our tops.
Let’s remember we’re all different.. there is no “one true way!”
Let’s realize that there is no problem with subs being happy and asking for what they want… and that there is no problem with Dom’s wanting their sub to be happy. Why do we look down on this so much?
I am not perfect either.. I have been down these same roads, and most likely will struggle with them again. I am very new myself, and have lots to learn about myself and my Dom and what we both want. But I truly believe that as long as I’m honest, and as long as he is caring, we will be happy.
References
I read a bit about these terms, and found different opinions, as well as a bunch of stuff involving Fifty Shades lol Here are the two that stuck out:
1) BDSM Roles (This one goes along with my own opinion)
2) Topping from the Bottom (This one goes against my opinion)
via:Tumblr http://shamelesslymkp.tumblr.com/post/69522436667
