fuckingrecipes:
JUST IN TIME FOR THE SKELETON WARS!
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? GRAB YOUR CUTE LITTLE ASS AND PREPARE YOURSELF FOR SOME GODDAMN AUTUMN-THEMED COOKING!
FIRST ON THE MENU IS SOME EASY-AS-HELL SPICED-CIDER-POACHED-APPLES.
WHY DO THIS THING?
BECAUSE SOMETIMES A MAJESTIC MOTHERFUCKER WANTS HOT SPICED CIDER AND SOME DELICIOUS POACHED APPLES AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME!
STEP ONE: GRAB YOUR MIGHTY WEAPON AND FORGE DEEP INTO THE HEART OF THE DARK FOREST. PLUCK YOURSELF A RED APPLE OR A DOZEN - ALL IS RELATIVE IN THE EYES OF THE UNDYING, UNENDING UNIVERSE.
IF YOU HAVE THE TIME, PRESS THE APPLES INTO A GLORIOUS CIDER, AND A GOLDEN JUICE FROM WHENCE EVEN GODS WOULD PLEAD A TASTE.
DENY THEM! THIS IS BY MORTAL HANDS, FOR MORTAL MOUTHS.
ALTERNATELY, PURCHASE SOME CIDER FROM YOUR LOCAL MILL (lay down an offering to the orchard spirits in thanks) AND SOME APPLE JUICE WHEREVER YOU NORMALLY CAN OBTAIN IT.
SCRUB THE APPLES FIERCELY, TO REMOVE ALL EVIL TAINT THAT MAY REMAIN.
HOWEVER MANY APPLES YOU WANT COOKED, PUNCH THEM INTO CHUNKS ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR THUMB KNUCKLE.
WHILE EXAMINING YOUR KNUCKLE TO GET A SIZE IN MIND, CACKLE IN DELIGHT THAT YOU HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS AND CAN DO SUCH THINGS LIKE COOK AND WRITE AND APPROVE OF THINGS FROM AFAR.
FIND A POT BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD THOSE APPLE CHUNKS, AND USE THE POWERS OF YOUR MIND TO BLAST THE FUCKERS RIGHT INSIDE.
USING EQUAL PARTS CIDER AND HOLY APPLE JUICE, FILL THE SPACES AROUND THOSE FRUIT BITS UNTIL THEY START TO FLOAT A LITTLE.
THIS NEXT PART WILL REQUIRE DISCRETION FROM THE CHEF. DONT FUCKING DUMP SHIT IN - SPRINKLE SOME ON THE SURFACE AND MOVE ON.
YOU WANT TO ADD SOME NUTMEG, CINNAMON, GINGER, CRUSHED CLOVES (OR WHOLE ONES, BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO FISH THEM OUT LATER.) AND A FEW DROPS OF VANILLA EXTRACT.
HOWL AT THE MOON, YOU GLORIOUS BEAST, BECAUSE IF YOU POSSES IT, YOU CAN ALSO ADD A DOLLOP OF CARAMEL TO THIS CONCOCTION!
KEEP THIS CREATION ON ‘HIGH’ UNTIL IT STARTS SEETHING IN FRUSTRATION, THEN TURN IT DOWN TO THE LOWEST YOU CAN.
LET IT SIMMER ON LOW FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES - A LITTLE LONGER IF YOUR APPLE CHUNKS AREN’T SOFT YET.
REMOVE FROM THE HEAT, AND STRAIN OUT THE POACHED APPLES.
WHAT CAN THESE FACE-SMASHINGLY GOOD PIE-INSIDES DO FOR YOU? TOP YOUR ICE CREAM, OR YOGURT, OR CEREAL. FUCK, EAT THEM RIGHT OUT OF A BOWL.
SLIDE THEM ALL SEXILY NEXT TO A STEAK, OR STIR THEM UP WITH A BIT OF BACON BITS NEXT TO YOUR EGGS.
WHEN YOU’VE DECIDED WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK YOU’RE GOING TO DO WITH ALL THOSE POACHED APPLES, YOU HAVE SPICED APPLE CIDER TO GO WITH IT!
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